my life has been filled with so much joy and fun lately that it feels like a sin to post what im about to post.

but i have to,
because underneath the joy and smiles, some scars never heals.

so,
when did news stopped coming in good?

overdramatic this might be,
because you only see the outside me,
but its not really,
its just reality.

he quoted me in his speech

26th January 2011, Rose-Hill, Mauritius

Up to a week ago this “Lead Green” project seemed like a joke with a bad punch line. The 20 bright individuals from all 4 corners of the world who were eager and enthusiastic to learn about Mother Nature and to make a difference were utterly disappointed. The initial perception was that we learn about sustainability in Mauritius, work with the local NGOs, conduct awareness workshops and return to our home countries with enough knowledge and experience to make a difference. We were promised that we would make an impact but the 20 undergraduates who were waiting, wanting to make an impact were left laughing at a badly told joke.

To convince ourselves that we were making the least bit of difference, we used the word ‘sustainable’ at every floating litter and open fire. We lost every desire to work and shifted our motivation to sun-tanning, partying, and more sun-tanning.

All of a sudden, the faintest hint of work creeps in. “Go to secondary schools and create an awareness campaign on sustainability” they told us in the strongest French-Mauritian accent. A project close to my heart it became, fuelled by my cheesy love for Nature and all things green as I was left in charge of the presentation.

The moon went to sleep and it was campaign day. I stood in front of 50 odd pinafore-clad girls feeling like I swallowed a jar of butterflies. In a house of 18 other interns who seemed like they did not really care nor took this awareness workshop seriously, no one but me knew how important and serious this presentation meant to me. It was a campaign created less than 24 hours ago, I was not at all prepared. What do I say? What if they ask me super-intelligent question and I can’t answer? Whats, hows and ohmygods ran through my mind, until the projector was turned on and all eyes were on me. My mind was blank and I just started talking, and talking, and talking. They laughed at my joke, which was a good sign. They weren’t responsive to my questions, not too good. They look like they are listening to me, thank god.

20 minutes later and it was the last slide, a warm round of applause and I ended my presentation with a great big smile, satisfied that I had just given the best presentation that I have ever given in my life. When it was activity time, the shy, reserved girls before me burst out of their shells and literally started to sing and dance. Their enthusiasm infectious and energy vibrated into our veins. It was the best day I had in Mauritius, knowing that I was able to share my passion and teach the kids about wonderful Mother Nature felt amazing enough, never have it occurred to me that I could actually inspire others to make a difference until 3 days later when Elodie messaged me.

“hi mei! i'm Elodie from the Queen Elizabeth college.Just want to thank you all guys for the great time we had together! we already started taking actions at school level and we're planning a cleaning day on friday during recess! thanks a lot guys. you had a great impact on us!!!”

Who knew a sloppy slide show crafted in mere hours could have had such a great impact. A gush of warmth, fuzziness, rainbows and butterflies of a good kind rushed through me upon opening this sweet, beautiful, simple message. Me? I made an impact? I actually inspired and motivated people to make a difference? I made a difference? This concept was new to my blood, it made me feel like a million rupees. The mere 2 hours we spent with the girls was so inspiring and motivating that it made the prior 30 days of bumming around seemed okay. I inspired people, and they motivated me to do more.

Lead Green finally lived up to its name, although this presentation was merely a side project, it embodies the spirit and essence of our stay. Sometimes the most ambitious of plans is just a dressing while the simpler effort sends the strongest message. All it takes is one little change to make a whole lot of difference. Inspiration and motivation comes side by side, hand in hand. To inspire, you have to be motivated, and when you are motivated, you are inspired. This is what Elodie and friends taught me today, a little reminder to keep motivated to inspire others, to keep my dedication and not to ever lose my drive.

"Trust only movement. Life happens at the level of events, not of words. Trust movement."
— Alfred Adler

4. get a tatoo by 21

en route

aiports are cold, lifeless, steel.


the people's life sedentary as they wait to embark on a journey away, or a journey back home.
mothers and fathers pushes through their tiredness as they watch their kids have fun in imaginary land,
businessmen waste not their precious time, happily sip beers by the bar, or work feverishly on their laptops,
the occasional lost lone traveller pushes by looking for Gate 15,
admiring the young students who catches beloved naps between transit.
and some,
some just seat and read,
some just seat and watch as time pass by,
all just sit and wait.

they think they are using precious time well,
but all do they are is just waiting, waiting.

airports are cold, lifeless, steels.

they call it prep work

if there is one thing i hate more than filling out forms,
its packing.

my god i hate packing.


the last time i attempted life as an alien, mum and dad picked, folded, packed and wrapped everything up for me and sent me on my way like I'm a christmas present for a nasty 5 year old brat. All I did was picked what I wanted to wear. But then again, they were the ones that decided that I go, they were the ones that arranged the flight tickets and everything else that had to be arranged. Like I'm a superstar and they my manager. 18 year old me was so relunctant to go that I immersed myself in work and avoided all the packing I can.

This time around, I avoided all the packing I can again, or so mum noted. Everytime she said its time to pack, I had people to have drinks with or Vinyls to stick on my room wall. At least my room looks cool now!

Until the (mid)night before, I avoid till I cannot avoid no more, I had to pick, fold, pack and wrap everything up on my own, and they stand and watch. Heck dad didn't even peep at my bag. Like I've downgraded from superstar to the superstar's assistant with no self respect.

Serves me right for having an itchy butt and legs that cannot stay where they are eh? I arranged and payed for everything on my own. Who knew international arrangements requires so much work. heh. heh. At least dad was kind enough to sponsor me a (really good) camera :)

People keep asking me if im excited to be going, and all i can say is "no rasa". I picked the wrong time to go, but they say no matter which planes crashes and what boat capsized, life has to go on. So i went on with mine, though filled with guilt, and relunctancy that i did not forsee.

oh by the way, if you didnt know yet, im en route to Mauritius! :)

the rain has been pouring down, for what have seemed like the longest time ever.

this blog has been, like a friend said "refreshingly morbid",
oh well,
thats just how my life has been lately, refreshingly morbid.

the rain has been pouring for the longest time,
and it still continues to pour,
but i've eloped to much sunnier pastures,
for a sunny escape,
and now,

a new saga entails.

i saw a little spark today, that gave me a faint glimmer of hope. one that i am holding on to tightly, so that it will not slip slide and fade away.......

sometimes good news comes in the most excruciatingly painful disguise. but i prevail, and will believe in it being a good news, and be hopeful, that only more good will come from it. the process might not, may not, will not be easy, but it will all end with good.
it has to. nothing less than that. it has to.

i really really need some good right now.

how did i managed to be such an optimist for so long.
i guess its time,
when we grow up,
and question optimism
like how we question life
love
sincerity
people
and stop believing.

optimism is hard, its so hard to stay positive. you can only do it for so long.

so this is what grief feels like, eh. heh.

and i heard its christmas,
a time where dreams come true and people are happy and there's supposed to be a warm fuzzy feeling just by hearing the happy christmas songs and festive air.
but happy songs are just so fucking annoying right now.
if dreams really do come true,
i plead dear santa,
i'd give you everything i have,
please just return everything to the way it was,
the way it's supposed to be.
if there's such thing as a christmas miracle,
dear santa,
make your magic work.
please.

we grow up thinking that we will be someone one day,
a tv star, politician, tycoon, CEO, an activist.
our names known, faces recognized, respect.
we carry the hopes and dreams on our backs in our hearts,
young and eager;
pulsating with desire,
but along the way,
dissapointments strikes,
reality hits
life happens.
we realize that there is no light at the end of the tunnel,
no pot of gold at the end of the rainbow,
the grass is never greener on the other side either.
it was lies, all lies.
and we settle.
we settle for second best,
for a normal civilian life,
we settle for normalcy
and see our once upon a time and happily ever after get washed down the drain,
so we say bye-bye and pretend that we're happy.
"We don't have to be somebody to be happy",
we lie to ourselves,
but,
how true is it?

will you settle or will you strive?
how long can you hold on?

a drag in our feet,
hunch in our backs,
sigh in our chest,
gloom around our neck,
weights on our chin,
despair in our wake.

misery, stop following me.

stuff you think that only happens on television, in the news, in hearsays, you think will only happen to someone else. But, to someone else, you are the someone else. So when it happens to you, it hits hard, real hard. Like a tsunami in your gut.

i dont know what to feel anymore. its empty and hollow and numb inside.

so so so tired.

i dont think it will ever curve the right way again.

escape is good because you can pretend that everything is alright for a little longer, :).

reality hits and it sucks.
ouch.

it can only get better from here, i hope.

nope, nothing.

its hard, when it hurts so much inside.
but i'll hold your hand.
if you're happy.
because no one deserves to be miserable, especially not you.

happiness comes at great costs,
this is on me. on me. on we.

so im counting to the days, that i wish will never come. and yet i wish it would to finally see a sunny day.

the heart cries,

the eyes fears,

the bags hold in the little tears.

nothing lasts.

dilemma dilemma dilemma

Mei ni tgh dilemma la. dilemma yang perlu diselesaikan secepat mungkin. decisions decisions i hate making decisions. especially one where experiences and money is on the line. oh gosh its Robest Frost's The Road Not Taken all over again.

Dear TMC ah dy and Janie ah my, if u see this, nak minta tolong bagi advice!

Phenomenal Women, by Maya Angelou

Pretty women wonder where my secret lies.
I'm not cute or built to suit a fashion model's size
But when I start to tell them,
They think I'm telling lies.
I say,
It's in the reach of my arms
The span of my hips,
The stride of my step,
The curl of my lips.
I'm a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That's me.

I walk into a room
Just as cool as you please,
And to a man,
The fellows stand or
Fall down on their knees.
Then they swarm around me,
A hive of honey bees.
I say,
It's the fire in my eyes,
And the flash of my teeth,
The swing in my waist,
And the joy in my feet.
I'm a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That's me.

Men themselves have wondered
What they see in me.
They try so much
But they can't touch
My inner mystery.
When I try to show them
They say they still can't see.
I say,
It's in the arch of my back,
The sun of my smile,
The ride of my breasts,
The grace of my style.
I'm a woman

Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That's me.

Now you understand
Just why my head's not bowed.
I don't shout or jump about
Or have to talk real loud.
When you see me passing
It ought to make you proud.
I say,
It's in the click of my heels,
The bend of my hair,
the palm of my hand,
The need of my care,
'Cause I'm a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That's me.

**

Phenomenal, thats me, and thats what every girl, lady and woman should be.
Beautifully and proudly said.
Thanks pao for sharing :)

sometimes,

i hate reminiscing through old photos because it makes me miss the moment so much. I miss it so much, it hurts.

I miss vail. I've been missing vail for almost a year. The people, the cold in my bones, the excitement, the travels, the colours, the smell of snow mingling with spring... gosh, i miss vail so so very much. I want to recreate my time there, Vail, Marriot, LA, Hollywood, San Fran, missed flights.. I want my (very) happy belly, the 24 hour sleep on my first day, the frugal buys, the warm baths...

Lucia, from Russia. my favourite girl and friend there

Breathtaking Grand Canyon

Amazing LED show above us, Las Vegas

Caeser's Palace. Las Vegas.

San Fran, my fav city

it was then we became close, it was then he was my guardian.

gosh i miss vail.
it was my adventure.

and Im seeking a new one.

sometimes, happy memories are not needed to be written and posted when you already have someone special who has shared, cherish, appreciate and remember the golden minutes with you :)

after 2 semester I can finally unleash the real Mei again!

and she's fly like a g6 yo

the worst part of going to a funeral is not the crying and sadness,
its going back to an empty home.

im liking this freedom but i hope mum and dad returns from Dubai soon.

R.I.P, uncle.