Friday, April 16, 2010

if its all worth it

i almost had a heart attack the other day when my laptop stopped working because my table played mine tricks on me. but all's fine now, Dell tech guy came and fix Wanda up, her RAM was messed up thats all. but now, Wanda has a battle scar on her shiny new face. im sorry Wanda, we'll get u a new bag real soon kay!

***

at the risk of sounding snooty, i work hard, really really really hard in school. I work so hard to a point where for the last 2 weeks, all i did was go to college, come home, do homework and go to work and sleep. I stayed home last 2 Fridays Saturdays and Sundays just to finish the shit loads of assignments. All i did, think and live was assignments. I didnt go out with my friends. damn effing no life ok. Its depressing. but its ok,'i tough it out coz i know i have to score coz if i dont my scholarship will be revoked and we have no money to send me to a good college and i will have no friends and i cant get a good job and i become lonely emo friendless girl living on pity alms from people on the sidewalk and i will go crazy and become the crazy lady with 72cats.

I work really hard. but 'my bosses' choose not to see that. Somehow they only seem to notice me when i go out with my friends, especially at night. or when I do my dance shows. and thats only once in a very long while since college's been a bitch lately. So, at the very off-chance that i do hang with my friend, or when i go to work and show, they start to complain about me going out too much till too late. They start questioning me if my homework is okay, if I have time to do my work, asking me to cut down on this and that or it will affect my studies and all that crap that just makes me wonder 'hello? have you not seen me being anti social for the past 2 weeks locking myself under homework arrest?'. Im 19, i need friends and a break from school. being. in. a. room. alone. for. too. long. will. make. me. kill. myself.

the worst part is when i really answer with something like "i finished this much of work today ok" mum will be like 'why you feeling guilty is it?", dad will go "yameh? so guai meh!". They meant it jokingly and they think its funny, but its not. My bro's the ultimate champion.

bro: so what did you get for your results?
me: A2s and A1s lo.
bro: what happened to the A2? why didnt get A1?

just imagine how i feel after that. after all that slaving. one word. fml.

don't get me wrong, mum dad bros do let me live my own life. they're awesome and supportive and all that but sometimes, at days like this, i just wonder if its all worth it. I see my friends only aiming to pass, they do less the work and have twice the fun that i do. I've beeen trying so hard to prove my worth to them since High School but all they say is a 'good job' and its back to me being a juvenile. They kinda don't trust me, thats one thing. I'll always be a kid. Im almost 20 and dad still think im 18. last year, i was 15.

I dunno.. sometimes i just feel like a fool for working so hard.

2 comments:

an ardent... said...

don't give up. you'll see the benefits in the future. really :) *hugs*

happy.pig said...

aww pao, thanks :')