Monday, November 5, 2007

lonely

05-11-07

it started out as any other day, a great day...
met up with friends at school... study
went to Klang Parade makan
then went to Jusco.. free pizza!!!
totally forgot about the existence of exam
laughing my way every minute
smiling every second...

i guess that is how my life goes everday, with a smile on my face, making everyone happy, as if there is not a care in the world

but when the friends leave, and the phone stop ringing,
the lights dimm, and my eyes stop smiling..
all the thoughts run in like a flash flood of worry and frustration
my eyes is filled with the nausea of financial, family, school, exams, friends, relationships...
feelings that are bounded deep in the core of my heart
longing to escape and flow out of my eyes
and lips
and heart
and yet, they are cuffed and shoved into the very jail that is my deep, cold, lifeless heart.
longing to escape
but the ball of chain tied to their leg makes it hard to leave...
so it stays contented in its cell
of cold concrete walls
and metallic iron bars..
waiting for freedom to come

the hardwork i do, the sweat and tears
so we all can have a memorable year
of sweet success
and bitter departure
and scenes that are etched in our hearts forever.
i never asked i never whine,
i always try n try n try
but the hardwork at the end of the day,
brews a concoction of bitter display
it ends well, im glad for that
but at the end, where is it all at?
unapreciated is how i feel,
for all i've done for all of you.
i tell myself its okay. and its great,
just to see the smiles on your face.
but deep inside it isnt true...

end with all the poem n rhyming. i cant think of a word that rhyme's with true. lol
all the sweat and tears, kinda seem meaningless?
a happy girl i may seem,
but my history starts with a girl that has ZERO friends. ignorance n emptiness was my companion from primary until i was in form 2....everyday going to school is dreadful because i envy those who has a gang of friends to go to. im always the third wheel that is kicked out and ignored, forgotten, and invinsible... unaprreciated. Somehow, i managed to change that and managed to build an amazing circle of friends.... people see me around with lotsa friends, every step towards the canteen i have to stop 10 times just to greet ''hallo". but over the years, no matter how many hundred donkey friends i may seem to have, the same old feeling never seems to shake off. im always the third wheel, kicked out, forgotten, ignored, invinsible, unaprreciated.

I guess somethings just never change eh?

i wonder, if it wasnt for him, will you guys still call me on my cell and ask me out for tea?

this is just the begining of the many many inmates in the jail if my heart.
sometimes at night, the only thing that makes it right is the blasting sound of AVRIL LAVINGE on the radio. my pillow's my best friend.

and then the phone vibrates, the msn "dings" .. and i do have friends that care and love. its a good bandage, for the bleeding soul, but the wound is still sore...
somethings will never change.... the feeling remains...
you'll never know how it feels. to be wanted, to be accepted. to be lost in your own path. to walk around aimlessly, and seeing everyone around happy but u.
sometimes it just seem meaningless to try so hard, coz no matter what the truth is things will always be the same.
forgotten. unappreciated. ignored.

i tell myself its all worth it to see the smiles on ur face. and i convinced myself. but then, the feeling of dissastifacation always seems to linger like a pesky fruitfly.

we leave school now and soon we venture into a new world, new friends new agenda new life.
but, will you till be able to remember the girl that i bet brought lots of smiles in ur life?
when u all meet up, will i still be amongst you? people always depend on me for events, n arrangements, but how many of you actually ......... appreciated? or helped? REMEMBERED? its easy to say " call her to do" and of coz i do it willingly, and happily of coz.. but how many of u freakin care and appreciated. i feel like im just a small speck of dust in the universe. don mind me.

but alas, the eternal optimist will always and forever remain as an optimist. coz SHIT HAPPENS n thinking too much will just hurt ur brain.

and somehow dissastifacation n loneliness lingers... i'll just cry alone at night along with all my other problems thanks.
this may noy sound fair to some of my friends.. but.. sorry la!
let me wallow in self-pity, i don hope for any pity from u guys..
THANKS!!!!!

~HAKUNA MATATA~
things will always be ok ^^

2 comments:

Eva said...

1st. nt pitying u. lol.
juz wanna tell u tat I APPRECIATE A LOT!!!! u r nt 'forgotten. unappreciated. ignored.'
hey, think bout it. what will s4 b without u?!.. hmm.. or should i say wht will the noisy class with 2 noisiest gals b if there isn't u? chill! things will b alrite. okay okay. i will commit 100% on the next reunion. trust me. lol. coz mayb i'm going to pursue event management in the future. so needa practice too. haha. dun b upset k. n, as a kepo a.k.a. concerning friend, if nt mistaken, there's a HIM rite? i feel a sense of disappointment. mind to tell?..

cheer up!

friends forever,
Eva

happyPig~ said...

thanks ^^ its nice of u, and its soo heartwarming to hear. but, feeling like this lingers, and when u succesfully managed to keep it out of ur life, it comes back to haunt u. the feeling stays and will never goes away, it eats u up inside.

but stil, it so sweet of u.. I FEEL UR LOVE!! haha