en route

aiports are cold, lifeless, steel.


the people's life sedentary as they wait to embark on a journey away, or a journey back home.
mothers and fathers pushes through their tiredness as they watch their kids have fun in imaginary land,
businessmen waste not their precious time, happily sip beers by the bar, or work feverishly on their laptops,
the occasional lost lone traveller pushes by looking for Gate 15,
admiring the young students who catches beloved naps between transit.
and some,
some just seat and read,
some just seat and watch as time pass by,
all just sit and wait.

they think they are using precious time well,
but all do they are is just waiting, waiting.

airports are cold, lifeless, steels.

they call it prep work

if there is one thing i hate more than filling out forms,
its packing.

my god i hate packing.


the last time i attempted life as an alien, mum and dad picked, folded, packed and wrapped everything up for me and sent me on my way like I'm a christmas present for a nasty 5 year old brat. All I did was picked what I wanted to wear. But then again, they were the ones that decided that I go, they were the ones that arranged the flight tickets and everything else that had to be arranged. Like I'm a superstar and they my manager. 18 year old me was so relunctant to go that I immersed myself in work and avoided all the packing I can.

This time around, I avoided all the packing I can again, or so mum noted. Everytime she said its time to pack, I had people to have drinks with or Vinyls to stick on my room wall. At least my room looks cool now!

Until the (mid)night before, I avoid till I cannot avoid no more, I had to pick, fold, pack and wrap everything up on my own, and they stand and watch. Heck dad didn't even peep at my bag. Like I've downgraded from superstar to the superstar's assistant with no self respect.

Serves me right for having an itchy butt and legs that cannot stay where they are eh? I arranged and payed for everything on my own. Who knew international arrangements requires so much work. heh. heh. At least dad was kind enough to sponsor me a (really good) camera :)

People keep asking me if im excited to be going, and all i can say is "no rasa". I picked the wrong time to go, but they say no matter which planes crashes and what boat capsized, life has to go on. So i went on with mine, though filled with guilt, and relunctancy that i did not forsee.

oh by the way, if you didnt know yet, im en route to Mauritius! :)

the rain has been pouring down, for what have seemed like the longest time ever.

this blog has been, like a friend said "refreshingly morbid",
oh well,
thats just how my life has been lately, refreshingly morbid.

the rain has been pouring for the longest time,
and it still continues to pour,
but i've eloped to much sunnier pastures,
for a sunny escape,
and now,

a new saga entails.

i saw a little spark today, that gave me a faint glimmer of hope. one that i am holding on to tightly, so that it will not slip slide and fade away.......

sometimes good news comes in the most excruciatingly painful disguise. but i prevail, and will believe in it being a good news, and be hopeful, that only more good will come from it. the process might not, may not, will not be easy, but it will all end with good.
it has to. nothing less than that. it has to.

i really really need some good right now.

how did i managed to be such an optimist for so long.
i guess its time,
when we grow up,
and question optimism
like how we question life
love
sincerity
people
and stop believing.

optimism is hard, its so hard to stay positive. you can only do it for so long.

so this is what grief feels like, eh. heh.

and i heard its christmas,
a time where dreams come true and people are happy and there's supposed to be a warm fuzzy feeling just by hearing the happy christmas songs and festive air.
but happy songs are just so fucking annoying right now.
if dreams really do come true,
i plead dear santa,
i'd give you everything i have,
please just return everything to the way it was,
the way it's supposed to be.
if there's such thing as a christmas miracle,
dear santa,
make your magic work.
please.

we grow up thinking that we will be someone one day,
a tv star, politician, tycoon, CEO, an activist.
our names known, faces recognized, respect.
we carry the hopes and dreams on our backs in our hearts,
young and eager;
pulsating with desire,
but along the way,
dissapointments strikes,
reality hits
life happens.
we realize that there is no light at the end of the tunnel,
no pot of gold at the end of the rainbow,
the grass is never greener on the other side either.
it was lies, all lies.
and we settle.
we settle for second best,
for a normal civilian life,
we settle for normalcy
and see our once upon a time and happily ever after get washed down the drain,
so we say bye-bye and pretend that we're happy.
"We don't have to be somebody to be happy",
we lie to ourselves,
but,
how true is it?

will you settle or will you strive?
how long can you hold on?

a drag in our feet,
hunch in our backs,
sigh in our chest,
gloom around our neck,
weights on our chin,
despair in our wake.

misery, stop following me.

stuff you think that only happens on television, in the news, in hearsays, you think will only happen to someone else. But, to someone else, you are the someone else. So when it happens to you, it hits hard, real hard. Like a tsunami in your gut.

i dont know what to feel anymore. its empty and hollow and numb inside.

so so so tired.

i dont think it will ever curve the right way again.

escape is good because you can pretend that everything is alright for a little longer, :).

reality hits and it sucks.
ouch.

it can only get better from here, i hope.

nope, nothing.

its hard, when it hurts so much inside.
but i'll hold your hand.
if you're happy.
because no one deserves to be miserable, especially not you.

happiness comes at great costs,
this is on me. on me. on we.

so im counting to the days, that i wish will never come. and yet i wish it would to finally see a sunny day.

the heart cries,

the eyes fears,

the bags hold in the little tears.

nothing lasts.

dilemma dilemma dilemma

Mei ni tgh dilemma la. dilemma yang perlu diselesaikan secepat mungkin. decisions decisions i hate making decisions. especially one where experiences and money is on the line. oh gosh its Robest Frost's The Road Not Taken all over again.

Dear TMC ah dy and Janie ah my, if u see this, nak minta tolong bagi advice!

Phenomenal Women, by Maya Angelou

Pretty women wonder where my secret lies.
I'm not cute or built to suit a fashion model's size
But when I start to tell them,
They think I'm telling lies.
I say,
It's in the reach of my arms
The span of my hips,
The stride of my step,
The curl of my lips.
I'm a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That's me.

I walk into a room
Just as cool as you please,
And to a man,
The fellows stand or
Fall down on their knees.
Then they swarm around me,
A hive of honey bees.
I say,
It's the fire in my eyes,
And the flash of my teeth,
The swing in my waist,
And the joy in my feet.
I'm a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That's me.

Men themselves have wondered
What they see in me.
They try so much
But they can't touch
My inner mystery.
When I try to show them
They say they still can't see.
I say,
It's in the arch of my back,
The sun of my smile,
The ride of my breasts,
The grace of my style.
I'm a woman

Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That's me.

Now you understand
Just why my head's not bowed.
I don't shout or jump about
Or have to talk real loud.
When you see me passing
It ought to make you proud.
I say,
It's in the click of my heels,
The bend of my hair,
the palm of my hand,
The need of my care,
'Cause I'm a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That's me.

**

Phenomenal, thats me, and thats what every girl, lady and woman should be.
Beautifully and proudly said.
Thanks pao for sharing :)

sometimes,

i hate reminiscing through old photos because it makes me miss the moment so much. I miss it so much, it hurts.

I miss vail. I've been missing vail for almost a year. The people, the cold in my bones, the excitement, the travels, the colours, the smell of snow mingling with spring... gosh, i miss vail so so very much. I want to recreate my time there, Vail, Marriot, LA, Hollywood, San Fran, missed flights.. I want my (very) happy belly, the 24 hour sleep on my first day, the frugal buys, the warm baths...

Lucia, from Russia. my favourite girl and friend there

Breathtaking Grand Canyon

Amazing LED show above us, Las Vegas

Caeser's Palace. Las Vegas.

San Fran, my fav city

it was then we became close, it was then he was my guardian.

gosh i miss vail.
it was my adventure.

and Im seeking a new one.

sometimes, happy memories are not needed to be written and posted when you already have someone special who has shared, cherish, appreciate and remember the golden minutes with you :)

after 2 semester I can finally unleash the real Mei again!

and she's fly like a g6 yo

the worst part of going to a funeral is not the crying and sadness,
its going back to an empty home.

im liking this freedom but i hope mum and dad returns from Dubai soon.

R.I.P, uncle.

confessions of a hyopcrite.

I live in hypocrisy. I try not to, but its unavoidable when you live torn between the two repelling spectrums of "beauty".

I'm 20, the target of skinny bitch beauty ads. I'm a dancer, a definite target of flabs ridicule and weight watchers. Though the teasing of (barely there) muffin tops are usually in good fun, its hard not to be a little self-conscious. And, I live amongst girls (thankfully numbered) who are literrally skin and bones complaining bout their non-existent body fat, and bimbos who rejoice at losing 0.5kg after skipping one dinner. How the hell am I supposed to not feel fat when twigs whine about their "belly" and im chowing down on Carls Junior and McFlurrys! I admit, shamefully, then I could lose a few pounds. Though im not crazy obsssesed like them girls on E! , I'm obssessed enough sigh everytime i look down at my pudgy belly.

But then again, I don't think I'm fat. I know I'm thin enough to not be fat, and I'm fat enough to not look aneroxic. Inspiring lecturers and interesting reads have taught me to not sucummb to unrealistic beauty ads, to love my own unique shape, to understand that beauty is 3 dimensional, not one. So I cringe in dissapointment when I see a cute, rounded 10-year-old being subjected to fat-teasings by her dance teachers, telling her to lose weight to look pretty. So i reject all notion of starving to diet, I reject the word diet, and I beat myself up for wanting to diet and feeling fat.

But then again, they tell me that I am getting fat.

oh the confusion and dilemma!!

Ironically, although the costume fitting talks of sucking in belly fat and jiggly butts amongst my dancer friends pops up more often than with my daily peers, these dancers eat with more gusto that anyone i know, while my girl-friends are the ones that cringe at the sight of a popcorn.

I would be the one saying fuck it and stuff my mouth with a whole bagfull of caremel coated popcorn goodness and feeling guiltly after.

Its a confusing world to live in to be a girl.

the tiniest package

the most powerful message comes in the simplest and shortest form.
of course, the way you deliver it, your emotions, soul, passion, matters to.
Like the most elegant wedding ring, sleek and thin, hid in a tiny box big enough to just fit into the palm of a hand, wrapped with the sweetest, yet most mysterious silk ribbon.

This, is the wedding ring of all songs.
Serenade it with soul,
Ain't No Sunshine, by Bill Withers.

Ain't no sunshine when she's gone.
It's not warm when she's away.
Ain't no sunshine when she's gone
And she's always gone too long anytime she goes away.

Wonder this time where she's gone,
Wonder if she's gone to stay
Ain't no sunshine when she's gone
And this house just ain't no home anytime she goes away.

And I know, I know, I know, I know, I know,
I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know,
I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know,
I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know

Hey, I ought to leave the young thing alone,
But ain't no sunshine when she's gone, only darkness everyday.
Ain't no sunshine when she's gone,
And this house just ain't no home anytime she goes away.

Anytime she goes away.
Anytime she goes away.
Anytime she goes away.
Anytime she goes away.

Strippers have feelings too

Stripping in public comes with the territory of being a dancer. Thus, us female dancers often do the best we can to cover up in between costume changes- tubes, scarfs to wrap around, skirts, and some manouevers, tips and tricks that is too complicated to describe here.

Most often, we share a changing room with the male dancers but changing in front of them is okay- their always gay. if they are not, they're used to it and would do the polite gesture of looking away when we change.

If we're really lucky to be performing in a big arena, the girls would have a seperate changing room from the guys, which is a very rare but nice privilege.

But sometimes, our changing room is a dingy hallway backstage seperated from the kitchen by a divider that hardly shields us from the prying and demeaning eye of kitchen workers. It's like these people have never seen people change and have no decency to at least pretend that they are not looking. Sometimes, they stare at us assuming that we can't see them. When we look back at them in the eye giving them the sting, then they look away. We're dancers, not the blind, you ass. We do the best we can to cover up, but sometimes, sometimes, during dance shows where we have literally 1minute to change into different costumes, we have no time to cover up and just strip hoping that no one is looking. God knows which sad little peeping tom is peeping. They should really get laid, or watch more porn. And go learn some respect.

And then, there are the hotel workers that barges into our changing room without knocking. So we would be in our bras and panty hose shocked, and pissed. "Sorry" they say insincerely and slowly close the door and walk away. DONT YOU KNOW HOW TO KNOCK YOU DIMWIT!? Thank God this doesn't happen too often.

I've learnt to ignore and live in denial about the fact that I might have been visually violated for the longest time. But the last show I had in Sunway Lagoon 2 nights ago went over the top. Seriously, if you have enough money to rent the ENTIRE Sunway Lagoon for your company dinner, you should be able to provide at least one small tent for the dancers to change and rest. Giving us two humongous tables, no chairs, and asking us to change in the wet and dirty toilet, is just ridiculous. PLUS, you requested for back-to-back numbers. HOW THE HELL ARE WE SUPPOSED CHANGE TO A DIFFERENT SET OF COSTUME IN TIME FOR YOU WHEN WE HAVE TO RUN ALL THE WAY TO THE TOILET AND AVOID THE WET AND DIRT? So, that night, the only thing shielding us from demeaning stares and pervy eyes was a wall, and the skirting of a table. GAAAAHHHH on the bright side, there weren't that many pairs of eyes around. I hope.

If that wasn't bad enough, when we were in our micro minis and halter tops waiting for our number, this guy, that was twice my age, with glasses and a pervy condescending hamsap pepe face had to go"yeah babeh" with a tone that was demeaning-condescending-perverted-disrespectful-shameful-and-whatever-else-adjective-that-the-thesaures-can-translate. Fucking idot just because that wasn't demeaning enough he had to say it twice until one of us notices him. GAAAHHHHH do you know how demeaning that felt? how degrading, belittleing that was. It's the feeling that made feminists such man-haters but you probably won't understand if you're a man. I had half the mind to hire a 50-year-old uncle with gold hair, white singlet, jeans and slippers and a Mr.Potato moustache have have him go "yeah babeh~"at that douche's sister/daughter/wife so he know's how much of a douchebag he is. Now all I need to know where he lives. It should be too hard, I remember his degrading stare. GAAAAH!!

If it wasn't my passion for dancing, I wouldn't be in this business. Dressing up in dresses short enough to show my bum with every step I take does sometime feels like I am objectified. But Im willing to look aside because I love dancing and performing, and it's done in good taste.. and it's not all that bad all the time, we have very nice audience, who gives us a thumbs up and compliments us on our dance even though sometimes we sucked.

Some people just need to learn respect, thats all.
Others, need to watch more porn and get laid so they don't go stupid when they see us change.
or at least go to the beach more often, people prance around in their bikinis and change in public at beaches all the time, right!?

I tried

hmm blog. what to say, what to write.

If i am not well-known for being from Klang, I'm well know for taking the train, faithfully. I read the paper a coupla months back and came across this article about Penang getting new commuters. I was in pointing it out in jealous awe, 'woah! damn nice la penang got new trains, looks damn canggih somemore!". Brian looked at me, laughed and commented that I am the only person who would give such a envy reaction to KTMs. In fact, I'd be the only one who gives a damn.

For the past few days, all my dates with Mr. Choo Choo Train was delayed. 10 minutes. 30 minutes. 40 minutes. 1 hour. I see 2, 3 trains passed by at the opposite tracks, but there was no sign of mine. I rushed in the early morning to catch the 7.05 train but end up waiting for 30 mins and was late for class. multiple times. I waited an hour for a supposedly empty 3.20 train just to be greeted by a sardine-can an hour later. Add that to a whole day of class and frustrations at a father who can never come on time. Multiply it by one week plus a history of patient waiting.

My patience went chasing after the missing KTM and that was it. Fuck you train I give up. Holding in frustrated tears. I've wasted half my life taken advantage by you. Here on end I'm driving., Sorry Mother Nature.

One thing I can't comprehend is this: why, did you have to extend your routes all the way to Batu Caves when you already have problems sending us to Sentul on time? Now you're time management is worst then ever, and the people, we're more disappointed than ever. Go learn from your brother LRT.

you're such an embarrassment to the country. Always the same excuse: rosak rosak rosak. Maybe I'll come visit you again when your new siblings come from China. End of next year eh? We'll see, you've never been really good at keeping your promises.

sien lo

first day of back to school and I am back to being not-so-enthused-about-life.
probably it was the awesome work/fun/productive holiday in comparison,
maybe it was the delayed train and bus to campus this morning,
pretty sure its was the sucky and pricey college food,
and could be because of the subject and lecturer that doesn't make sense,
but the first day of back to school was very indescribable, in a not so nice way.

This semester started in August. it is now the end of september and I don't think I have yet to learn anything productive. The subjects so far are a big question mark. Mr Chandra is definately the only lecturer that I look forward to spending a one-hour train/bus ride to see for two hours. In other words, uni is very uninspiring, very very uninspiring. The only thing that is keeping me going is work and dance.

and my mom wonders why I couldnt be bothered about the new college term.
she should come attend a class or two.

and then the bottle breaks

I can't talk to you
because you're judgemental;
because we're not close;
because you only talk about yourself;
because you don't care;
because you don't understand;
because you have too much on your mind;
because you're too busy;
because I can't trust you;
because you don't listen;
because you're shallow;
because you're too far;
I can't talk to you because I don't know how.

they call it the school of life

hi.
i learnt two important lessons today. two very unpleasant, but very important lessons.

1. Respect comes from both side.
Dealing with a tight-ass client who's a unprofessional prick but think that he's the best and I'm a nicompoop, has taught me the concept of 'do unto others as you would have them do unto you'. When working with the difficult a--, there were ridiculous terms and conditions that well, to put it blatantly, exploits me. I'd be the schmuck that lose precious time and money everthing were to be done his way. Nobody wants to be the schumck! What do you do in a case like this? So, to have the balance tilt back in your favour, fight fire with fire! He disrespects you, you disrespect him. He jual mahal, you jual mahal. It worked for me! I got things in my favour, sort of.

However (why is there always a however), be warned that the fire tactic comes with risks. Because now, in his eyes you're the bitchy difficult person to work with. Solution? Swallow your pride, fake smiles all around and an insincere ' i'm really sorry for the difficulty caused' even though you don't feel sorry at all and he doesn't deserve the sorry because you were fighting for your rights. An arrogant "It's OK" will emerge from the prick, like you were in the wrong and it was a due 'sorry'. Caution: It will make you feel like bursting into the Hulk and ripping his guts out and wrap it around his bloated head.

Telling youself that you're the bigger person will help sooth the burning rage.

Now i reaaallllyyy understand what people mean when they say 'I'm nice to you if you're nice to me'.

2. We have no right to defend ourselves against people in power.
When arguing with people in power, eg: mum, lectureres, boss, tight-ass clients, etc., 'defending' is 'justifying' and 'justifying' is what guilty people with prickly dispositions do. So no matter what you are accused for not doing is, there is no point in defending yourself and your honour because at the end of the day you are wrong and they are right because face it, who are you? you measly little scum that wouldn't be here if it weren't for me!?

So, being lectured? Just nodd and keep mumm. You don't even have to pay attention to what she/he is saying. You know what? Just let your mind wander altogether. Not listeing to what he/she is saying helps lessens the prickly unpleasent feeling you get at the back of your ribs because you can't defend yourself.

A fake look of since remorse can help shorten the lecture by approximately 5 to 15 minutes.


So boys and girls, the moral of today's lesson is,
there is not fairness in the world,
and
fake sincerity wisely.

Use it, don't abuse it!

i dont like sappy books

Train times and train waits,
train lates and train wakes,
sit sit sit wait wait wait,
all that time have been spent reading,
and I have finished reading The Zahir by Paolo Coelho.

it was,
not my cup of tea.

If you like all those spiritual journey metaphorical love crap, then yes you should take a gander at this book. If not, stay awaaaayyyyyyy. Paolo Coelho whined alot, in the book. Talking about the same thing again and again. but then again it is suppose to be a book about obsession, thats why he keeps repeating the same lines. tapi, boring sial.

for some reason I have been reading alot of whiny ass books. starting with the dissapointingly horrible Twilight.

I NEED SOME REAL DRAGONS SLAYERS AND BLOOD AND GUSH AND FICTION AND FAIRYTALES DAMNNIT! give me some suicidal virgins and confused hermaphrodites! some hobbits and drugged up musician and 3inch aliens?


i got to stop reading books i find laying around and go get some real books.

Adventures of Gunung Ledang

Once upon a time, i visited the puteri on Gunung Ledang.
And These are the pictures.

The End.

Thought of the day

If When the Brickfields Little India dream materializes our Indian community would be proud to have its own version of Petaling Street; Tourism Malaysia would be promoting it madly as a taste of Malaysia Truly Asia, Lonely Planet would happily add another 'must see site' in the marvels of Malaysia, and traveller would have 500 pictures of rich indian culture and be satisfied enough to forgo their trip to India.

and in 5 years, the hawker stalls and shopping malls in Brickfields' pretty Little India would be teeming with working immigrants in every shade of brown and every confusing indian dialect.

but no one will notice that the immigrants have taken up manning the stalls and the local indians around are scarce. (i know i can't tell the difference) And no one, to the government's delight, would complain.

unlike the case with Petaling Street. They should get all the TiongKok Mui to man the stalls instead of some Ane. How ironically funny is it, if the chinese immigrants starts to invade Little India as the Indian immigrants has with Petaling Street! That would be the epitome of 1Malaysia!

Well, thats one thing to look forward to Brickfields! Lets just hope this time around, the construction actually ends on time.

sprout of green in a sea of hay

The Gods have decided that Mei's-Super-Awesome-Asia Tour will happen in two to three years, 2012. given that the apocalypse decide to postpone it's world domination.

***

dear bookworms

you people sure didnt see me on 8TV gameshow Whack It a few weeks back kan? how supportive. peh. but don't worry! you can catch it on www.8tv.com.my still, just look for catch up tv, click whack it, and click episode 9. and then have fun mocking me behind my back while secretly wondering if the host's boobs are natural.

***

the only good thing about taking the train is i find time to read, when im not too busy daydreaming.

thus i finally managed to close the chapter on Anne Frank: The Diary of a Young Girl weeks ago (i know im like the last person on earth to read this book). As a novel, its quite a fairly easy read that has the tendency to be rather mundane. The writing is plain and simple, nothing spectacular to note. BUT, but the book becomes a significantly wonderful read when you realize that the surreal life they were living was actually real! The 'wow' factor hits me only during the afterwords, when they wrap up the hanging diary, and unveil how Anne and her family tragically left. No worries, I wont go into details, i know nobody likes a spoiler.

What i'll tell you is that i could very much relate to Anne, her wants and her frustrations, her dreams and her obligations. Finding the balance between her own aspirations and family expectations. Woes of a teenaged girl, oh don't i know it well! The way Anne vented her frustration was like me reading my own diary- comforting, in a way. Though the story ended in pain, it was a undoubtedly a happy ending for me. Anne's zahir of becoming a writer, and living after death came true in way that she could not have imagined. All because of a diary that she keep wholeheartedly. Little did she know that she has became the symbol of all the pain and suffering that Hitler caused, the symbol of strength and courage for all Jews. A diary of a 15 year old girl in solitude, so influential. Who would have ever imaged! I guess the littlest things does make a a huge difference eh?

Literary wise it was average, but still i enjoyed the book till the very end. It gets you thinking, that what this book does.

okay so now im onto my next book The Zahir by Paolo Coelho. Truth be told, im only reading this book because i found it collecting dust in my room. Quarter way through, not too crazy about it yet. So far it's been alot of whining from the main character.

A month ago I predicted the The Girl With a Dragon Tattoo by Steig Larsson, with its immense popularity was surely going to be made into a movie, and guess what, i was spot on! They just casted the female lead. Seriously, Hollywood is running out of original movie ideas. So, that book and her sisters (Girl who Kicked the Hornet's Nest, The Girl who Played with Fire) are going to be on my readlist. Better I digest it now before Hollywood ruins it for me right?

Also looking forward to The Map of the Invinsible World by Tash Aw because i enjoyed the Harmony Silk Factory, and My Mistress's Sparrow is Dead, by Jeffrey Eugenides because he is an AMAZING author, and i want to reread his Middlesex and The Virgin Suicides badly! I highly recommed you to read Mr.Eugenides work because he is a literary genius (chessy yes i know but i love his work!)!

phew, i think i just decided my readlist for the rest of the year.

WHEN WILL I EVER FIND THE TIME TO READ ALL THIS!!


p/s: mei appreciates a good book gift *hint hint* :D

stop spamming my cbox and stop asking me to visit yours so u can sell me some lame weight lost pills diarrhea pills or viagra please. i don't have a peepee and if i do i dont need pills to make it work. its annoying. your annoying. thank you.

the problem with the 21st century is

people don't talk anymore.

so i walked into No Black Tie, awesome music by the way, digging the local singer songwriters jazzy tunes, that I am totally in love with by the way, and i noticed, in the midst of the dark room, there was this table beside me with 4 shiny white lights illuminating the table and its guests.

In the table of 6, 3 was texting/tweeting/facebooking on their Blackberries and 2 was playing God knows what game (Angry Birds maybe?) on their IPhone. They looked like they were having a great time, with their phones that is. apparently this is such a common sight, i dont know why am i still baffled by it.

Tell me, what is the point of going out, with the aim to spend time with your friends, if you're just gonna be on your phone chatting with somebody else? Why not just save the money, stay at home, and chat on your phone with me? Wouldnt that save all the hassle and time and money of going out? especially now when petrol's no 5cent candy anymore.

I seriously don't get it. Personally, i get really annoyed when im out with someone, especially if i havent seen him or her in a really long time, and all he/she is busy doing the whole time is chatting with someone else on one of them social networking blogger sites. Lets just save time and chat on facebook! at least i can get your full attention then. It seems kinda rude actually, dont you think so?

that is probably one of the reasons why i dont see the neccessity to own an Iphone or BB. We're already so addicted to the internet, why indulge even more when we can enjoy real OFFLINE COMMUNICATION (wtf) with real people in real nature and surroudings!?

live life in simplicity, thats my motto.

on a side note: i found it really dissapointing, and ironic, and funny that face-to-face communication, the one real people have been practicing for eons have been termed as OFFLINE COMMUNICATION, as if online communcation existed before time. a really wtf moment I had in sem1.

so, the moral of the story is, No Black Tie has really awesome and sincere local acts performing and we should go check it out together one day ok. Just make sure you leave your facebooking and tweeting and msning and whatever else-ing there is at home

thank you.

2 teeths lighter

these cotton balls fills the gaps in my mouth,
the two friends that my 36(?) pearly whites have came to know have been massacred texas chain saw style,
godspeed old friends, you have been annoying,
i shall never have to deal with your food trappings again.
You were proof for my growing wiser,
but now that you;re gone,
i shall be smarter than wiser,
i shall be wisdomful!

ok i dont know what am i crapping about. all i want to say is my extracted tooth looked blardy and nasty. it looked blardy nasty.


I want to thank man for creating ponstan and anaesthetics, and my uncle for being such as awesome dentist.

because i felt nothing but numbness. and it felt relaxing after a while. except for the horrendous sound.

but still,, why does extracting 2 teeths costs do damn blardy much!?

they say

the relaxing effects of holidays lasts only 24 hours, before it wears off and you're caught up in real life again.

mine lasted one 45minute train ride.

Nature goodness aside, i guess the best part about perhentian was seriously just getting away.
5 minutes into the hotel room i abandoned my handphone, and then it was 4 days of sand, sun, fishies and friends. It just occured to me that i never once thought about all the crap that fills my head when i'm at home, and that feels damn good. It was just blissful peace and serenity, you know?

reaching home i'm already worrying about all the usual crap and confusion, that i shall not bore anyone here with. I want to do so many things, but there are so many obligations, and so many people to please that are in the way.

can i return to perhentian, can i take a gap year off, can i live a life of a traveller, and not worry about a high paying future?

oh, and i added number 31 to my list of things to do before i die:
31. Asia Tour.

i will kill myself of i ever get a 9 to 5 robotic job. in fact, i should just get a sleeve tattoo so no one will hire me for a 9 to 5 office job. sounds like a plan.

i is tanned.

perhentian was the shitz, super duper relaxing. makes me wanna live on a beach one day, which i will, one day.

snorkelling, getting up close and personal with the fiishies was just amazing! makes me wanna get my diving license and dive 6 feet under one day, which i will, one day.

but for now, its smack back to reality.

mum: u didnt tell dad your results ar?
me : 3 D's and 1 Credit.
Bro: why your result so bad, you do know you're a scholarship student right?
Dad: ur better stop ur work if its affecting ur results.
me: ...

they said the same thing when i got 2 D's and 2 HD's for my last semester results. to all u people who were envious that i have a scholarship, FML pls.

kthxbye.

me and my big mouth

fairness in all fairness. who's to dictate what's fair and what isn't?

favouritsm is part and parcel. a forbidden practice, but secretly embraced. And alas the favourites will always shine brighter, though glory is a different matter.

so, should we all be fake suck ups and bask in the glory of a golden seat, or do we remain true and dwell in our frustration of fairness, or the lack of it.

Should we suck up to suck ups just for the extra edge, or do we convince ourselves to make peace with being noble?

do we voice our frustrations with a hint or a moan and fear the repercussions, or do we swallow our anger and trigger the ticking bomb?

I've seen bombs tick and tick away, diffused by an afternoon of moaning and I've seen bombs tick and tick away, till the very last unnerving second where it all blows up.

fairness in all fairness, fairness is a dirty game. and dirty plays well.

are we losing out, taken advantaged, forgetten, misplaced, misstepped, ignored, exploited?
is it worth to double the sweat and triple the effort, just because we play clean?

we convince ourselves that suck ups and fakes will one day be unmasked, and the sweatshops workers will finally shine, but how oftern do fairytales come true?

fairness in all fairness, nothing is fair.

so we should just level the playing field and all be suck ups and brownosers, favourites and pets together.

then maybe fairness in all fairness, fairness is fair.

I skipped my 20th birthday.

My friend's passing on my birthday really been messing with my mind. too many thoughts about too many things its confusing me.

and i miss Stella.
Stella, she gave me the name The Eternal Optimist. i miss her.

im so glad i am finally going trekking tomorrow. 2day one night trek for me to find solace and clear my mind and get everything straight again.

i need to make changes.
I want to be better.

gunung ledang, hello :)

June 17.

lots of people asked me what I wanted for my birthday, and i couldnt give an answer because I dont know what i want.. i didnt need anything new, and i dont need anything new..

but ask me again and I'll give all my wishes in the world for Joash Wee and his family to be happy and well back in their home again.

His unfortunate passing came as a really big big big shock to me... I was just getting to know him, and we had a deal to go have burgers so he can prove to me how awesome his burger joint is... but God called him out too early. He was really charming, and a really nice guy who helped a near-stranger with her assignment.. and a really good actor and singer..he was a really good friend, and these are things that I will always remember him by..

21 hours ago he wrote on my facebook wall, wishing me happy birthday and promising to take me out for burgers.. I didnt even get to thank him and now he's gone.

i hope that lorry rott in hell.

I may not have know him well, but these tears that keep rolling down my cheeks are real.

Let his passing not be in vain. A news like that on a day like this, a shocking reminder to cherish live and all its worth, cherish your family and all their quirks. All you people who think your life sucks, shut up and enjoy it while u can.

Joash, i lit a candle in your memory and I will always light on every year today.

Rest in peace.

lets have a moment of silence for Joash, and pray that he and his family gets through this all.

i am

pissed at the world.

for no good reason.

unexpected advise from a bull

be sure of what you want, do what you think is right but always listen to other people's advice. dont be too stubborn.

i need a drink

lifes too short to not get wasted.

it is not a good sign when u are told that u look tired almost everyday.
i dont feel tired though.
i feel like a tiger that just drank red bull.

or maybe just a buzzed up bee.

slept off the tired i've been feeling for the past couple of weeks because of the insane workload in one night.

after handing in my assignmnet, i reached home at 6, and died on my mums bed at 6.05.

forgot about dinner.
skipped dance class.
and totally slept through the minum session i was suppose to have with my friend.

im sorry, i was that tired.

woke up at 6.30 this morning, blurred, confused, and felt fucked up at myself.

Pulau Ketam for crosses today. twas fun weyh. loved the cycling around and the reminsicing of childhood kuala selangor trips. Pulau ketam is like Kuala Selangor without the crabs man. damn i miss kuala selangor gotsa get someone to take me there soon! oh and really cheap seafood. so it wasnt mindblastingly yummy but it was decent GOOD seafood. Who can ask for more when they are charging a table for 10 RM150 for6 seafood dishes and one soup man!

it was my cousins wedding today. Like the first thrid generation kid to get married at my mums side. First wedding since iono 30 years or so? so yeah, we're all really happy for Amy. and DAMN she's so pretty when she's dressed up. So guys, never underestimate a plain jane or an 'ugly girl' cause make up artist, hair dressers and a good tailor can do WONDERS!

and my arms are like really obvious tan lines thanks to cycling under the sun in Crab Island. I love it.

and the Director of Strategic Marketing from McCann Erikson came and gave a really good talk the other day. really eye opening. and its making me reconsider advertising Communications Marketing.

i hope Weber Shandwick can come give a talk soon too.. PR yo.

pissed with technology

one of the crappiest feeling ever is to work (very very) very hard with blood, sweat and tears on a project and not liking the end result.

zero budget and a sucky video camera = bad quality will be the death of my video making assignment..

boo.

i am tired.
it is tireing to be tired.

the problem with me is i live on stress. the little adrenalin rush through my head the juggling act, that balancing pole, the plate spinning, the acrobatic stunts, i live on being busy. it somehow makes me feel alive, and useful, and makes me feel like im doing something worthwhile.

I've tried free and easy for one semester. Though it was fun, and relaxing, and i got to go watch movie every week and karaoke every 2 weeks, and i got to spend loads of time with my friends, it made me lazy. very lazy. and when i got to working again at the end of the year, the red hot blood in me pumped though my veins again and i become unnessasarily ambitious, wanting to achieve everything, again.

it has always been like that, it used to be me, and 3 other co-curicullar activities, and dancing. now its me, and 2 other side jobs, and dancing.

its risky, its tireing, its a rollercoaster ride, but hey, im a juggler. I've been juggling all my life.
the key is to prioritize and not lose focus on the main prize.

now i just hope that i can survive this semester as a whole.

bye bye birdie.

in this case, birdie is my holidays.

and holidays was working days.

let pray home i can wake up to in time to catch the train in time to get to class in time.
i cant even catch the 7.15 train, what more the 6.45.

oh well, i've been going into my 8am class at 8.30 all these while anyways i guess another month or two wont hurt.

Stereophonics rocked my sawks off

speak up i can't hear you.im deaf in one hear, the other ear is ringing.
my throat is sore,
tired,but I'm super duper satisfied.
Stereophonics was da shit. awesomest shit ever.

my craving for good live music finally fulfilled,
finally got to scream my heart out,guitar pick as a souvenier (used by the band themselves!),
it felt like i was serenaded by 5 hot guys, damn they're hot,
i was only a few feet away from the stage,i got to put my hands up in the air and wave it like i don't care,
it was worth every single 780 cent spent,
the only and perfect holiday I needed from this working "holiday",
stress reliever to the max,maybe its just cause I love the band,

however you want to put it,tonight's concert was supercagefragelistic.

Lead guitarist and backing vocalist Adam Zindani

Lead singer Kelly Jones and Bassist Richard Jones

Drummer Javier Weyler

Far left: Keyboardist Tony Kirkham whom the crowd sang happy birthday to

the band from Welsh, UK came in from their NZ/Aussie Tour

ahhh, I am relaaaaxxeeeddd and happy :)

Now all I have to do is wait for them to come back again!

and you people, go listen to Stereophonics.

I got a guitar pick the band used as a souvenier, Grace got a pick, the set list, and one drumstick ahhah

in between numbers

we take photos.

UOB Convention Show, Port Dickson.

my fav dance show pic so far,

the problem with

gameshows is it always look so easy on tv. You know when you watch fear factor or some lame japanese or taiwanese game show you'd be like "aiya so simple also cannot do meh!"or "the answer for UFO is Undentified flying object not Universal flying object stupid!" or "omg just eat the damn thing its not disgusting at all!" and then you start kutuking the contestent for being stupid and incompetent.

please dont kutuk me when you see me on Whack It please. hahaha

you see when you're in the spotlight simple IQ questions suddenly becomes like nuclea physics or something because your mind go blank. and physical games becomes a hike up Mt. Everest when you've been shooting the whole day and you're tired as hell.

so yeah, the Whack it shooting was super fun. and tireing. and messy. but fun.

my team lost :( but its ok, coz we got some freebies too! and the best part was being able to go t through the whole thing with my colleagues although i was on the different team -.- and, I'd rather lose to my girls than some bitchy strangers.

wanna watch me embarress myself on tv wait till june please ok thank you bye.

whack it.

i am officially going to be a contestent on 8tv's game show Whack it. its a game show about pretty sexy competing against pretty girls for the grand prize. Call me a hypocrite but I just realized that I am supporting a show that objectifies women as sex objects and beauty products. Im sorry but the only thing that was going through my head when i agreed was : fuck it la, its gonna be fun. why not?

so here I am, waiting to go for the Whack It shooting tomorrow.

I didnt mind when they paired me up with 2 strangers, but pitting me against my colleagues is a bit fucked up laaa ... But its ok, my aim was to go have fun humilaiting myself on tv anyways!

so yeah, when the show is out on tv, u can call and tell me how ridiculous i look hahahahah

Life doesn't always go your way....

like when you want your head hair to grow longer and your pit and leg hair to not grow but the hair on your head takes ages to gain an inch while the follicles in your legs and armpits seem to be over actively producing new stubs every 5 seconds.

life doesnt always go your way.

if its all worth it

i almost had a heart attack the other day when my laptop stopped working because my table played mine tricks on me. but all's fine now, Dell tech guy came and fix Wanda up, her RAM was messed up thats all. but now, Wanda has a battle scar on her shiny new face. im sorry Wanda, we'll get u a new bag real soon kay!

***

at the risk of sounding snooty, i work hard, really really really hard in school. I work so hard to a point where for the last 2 weeks, all i did was go to college, come home, do homework and go to work and sleep. I stayed home last 2 Fridays Saturdays and Sundays just to finish the shit loads of assignments. All i did, think and live was assignments. I didnt go out with my friends. damn effing no life ok. Its depressing. but its ok,'i tough it out coz i know i have to score coz if i dont my scholarship will be revoked and we have no money to send me to a good college and i will have no friends and i cant get a good job and i become lonely emo friendless girl living on pity alms from people on the sidewalk and i will go crazy and become the crazy lady with 72cats.

I work really hard. but 'my bosses' choose not to see that. Somehow they only seem to notice me when i go out with my friends, especially at night. or when I do my dance shows. and thats only once in a very long while since college's been a bitch lately. So, at the very off-chance that i do hang with my friend, or when i go to work and show, they start to complain about me going out too much till too late. They start questioning me if my homework is okay, if I have time to do my work, asking me to cut down on this and that or it will affect my studies and all that crap that just makes me wonder 'hello? have you not seen me being anti social for the past 2 weeks locking myself under homework arrest?'. Im 19, i need friends and a break from school. being. in. a. room. alone. for. too. long. will. make. me. kill. myself.

the worst part is when i really answer with something like "i finished this much of work today ok" mum will be like 'why you feeling guilty is it?", dad will go "yameh? so guai meh!". They meant it jokingly and they think its funny, but its not. My bro's the ultimate champion.

bro: so what did you get for your results?
me: A2s and A1s lo.
bro: what happened to the A2? why didnt get A1?

just imagine how i feel after that. after all that slaving. one word. fml.

don't get me wrong, mum dad bros do let me live my own life. they're awesome and supportive and all that but sometimes, at days like this, i just wonder if its all worth it. I see my friends only aiming to pass, they do less the work and have twice the fun that i do. I've beeen trying so hard to prove my worth to them since High School but all they say is a 'good job' and its back to me being a juvenile. They kinda don't trust me, thats one thing. I'll always be a kid. Im almost 20 and dad still think im 18. last year, i was 15.

I dunno.. sometimes i just feel like a fool for working so hard.

my room is green

sometimes, i love it how you don't feel tired at all, and in fact more alert, when you only got 2 hours of sleep the night before.

but why, when you've had like a nice, proper 7 hours of sleep you wake up feeling tired faster?

just realized i haven't had a nice, long, comfortable sleep and wake up with that happy cozy feeling in a very long time.

maybe cause my room is so stuffy and hot and dusty that i go to sleep sweaty and i wake up sweaty and sitting here right now is just making me sweat. so much so that my blankets are feeling neglected.

in fact, my whole house is a freaking oven. believe me, dont come here in the afternoon. panas giler babi ok.

why did my house have to be right smack in front of a main road la??? mum offered me an air-cond, coz we have an extra one sitting in the store room somewhere, but i said no. why? because air cond kills the environment omg what was i thinking i could have been rolling in sweet cold slumber right now

Good food

God knows everyone on earth loves good food. and yes, while the definition of delicious differs from palate to palate, all of us roughly have the same taste on whats yummy or plain, good or bad, heavenly or just plain disgusting.

If there's one thing I don't get, is how people judge yumminess not based on the taste of the food, but the brand of the shop. Give them a banana fritter bought from a shopping mall and a banana fritter bought from pasar malam and they'd say the store bought banana fritter tastes better. even if they taste the same. just because its bought from some fancy store.

I don't know bout you but I personally prefer my nasi lemak from the kakak that sells rm1.50 packets beside a road under the coconut tree and not from some lame-ass air conditioned commercialized franchise pretending to be an upscale coffee shop. Just because its overcharged more expensive, doesn't mean it tastes better. But that's just me.

I'm not saying all store bought food are bad, nor am I saying all road side food are better. (though i really do prefer my hawker stalls). All I'm saying is people, food tastes good because its cooked well, not because the brand is better! and that goes for clothes, shoes, and everything else too.

I'd take a Ramly burger over McDonald's any day.
Speaking of which, I haven't had in ages.

Time for a Ramly!

sorry, tree.

there this one palm tree-ish kinda plant by my front gate that refuse to grow. His twin is already as tall as me, but he stopped growing a couple years ago.

maybe i shouldnt have driven over him with my wira.

the colours; i miss them too

seeing them again was the most sweetest, warmiest feeling today :) i almost did not want to leave.

I thought my kids would have forgotten about me by now but boy was i wrong! my little impromptu surprise at the kindy made them so excited, i miss the sound of them calling me Teacher Mei.

the girls were giggly at my sight, and kept telling me how much they miss me...
they kept asking when am i coming back to teach them.
i did not know how to answer.

Gavin, the one brattiest-ADD-back talking-intelligent-adorablely-lovable-problematic boy then i've came to have a special bond with during my 3 month tenure shut down completely. For the first time ever, he sat there quietly and ate his noodles without a single sound. he wouldnt even look at me. I guess he just didnt know how to react after not seeing me for 2 months. He even hid his face away in his arms when i sat beside to talk to him. after minutes of coaxing, the cutest thing happen- he came to sit in my lap, quiet for a few seconds, and then suddenly started talking excitedly about their trip to the Vitagen factory. and then the jolly old Gavin that i knew so well returned- asking me all the questions under the sun.

oh how i miss them sitting in my lap.

and i was almost jealous not being there at the Vitagen factory with them.

my boss just texted me, saying Adriana cried when she told her mom at home about meeting me in school. the poor girl. i feel bad for leaving, really.

its nice to know that im missed and that i've played a part of their lives, even if it was the tiniest. Its nice to know that they appreciate me, cause teaching in a kindergarden is really tiring! and yes, i appreciate them too, cause they've played a big part in my life as well..

what can i say? 3 months in the kindy was seriously draining, low pay, irrelevant to my studies and my boss was kinda squeezing us dry, but the kids made it an wonderful experience :)


the memories,
they're heartwarming, thats what it is.

i scribbles

so school's been pretty busy, what with the crazy amounts of assignments and all. I really don't mind the work but it gets depressing after a while when your only answer to friend's "what you doing" is "assignments".

who knew sem 2 would have twice the workload compared to sem 1. freaking blogposts. ok yeah so yeah i was prepared for sem 2 to be crazier then sem 1, but still its gonna be a challenge especially with my new work schedule and all. so far my no procrastination resolution is erm, resolutionized. haahha

I start work with 8tv again tomorrow. I've had a nice one month break while they sorted out some issues and now that everything is sorted out, I am coming back to the streets yo! sorry, me trying to sound ghetto just doesnt work. anyways, the new work schedule is wacked. its double the time and hours then a month ago, which is making me worry coz God forbid my studies get disturbed. I really looking forward to get back to work but not so much the driving up and down round and about everyday! and it also means that my dancing shows and all has to be cut cut cut cut down :( well at least i've had my fair show of shows last month :) No worries, college always comes first, everything else revolves around assignments, as my mum, dad, and brothers wont stop reminding me.

which leads me to another point! being the youngest in the family means extra pressure from your older siblings so you people who have little bros and sis go easy on them kay! and you guys out there thats the youngest, I FEEL YOUR PAIN! but still, i love my bros coz one feed me buffalo wings and the other feed me well, crudely speaking, money. so remember, always feed your siblings food.

and, i pretty certain my dogs are gay. or at least bisexual. i have 3 male dogs- Floppy, Bibi, and Puppy. Puppy wont stop humping Floppy. and, the pigeon died. COZ FREAKING PUPPY BIT HIS HEAD AND INJURED HIM. stupid dogs. and the fishtank in the living room went beserk, broke, and 6 fish died. my grandpa is gonna flip at the sight of missing fishtank when he returns from Medan.

R.I.P dear pigeon and fishies.

bye.

i feel like a car ride with Micheal Buble

on days when you feel doubtful,

helpless,

unwanted,

and only second best,

Dr Tran, Foamy, and Pablo Francisco seems to be the only consolation to make you smile.

hmm, time for some Youtube.

I feel like doing something stupidly drastic that I'll regret later. Like shave myself bald or .... 

on another note, Micheal Buble can serenade me anytime. hot damn the man has a voice that'll make you melt! If he ever comes to Malaysia, I'll be that girl holding the "Will You Marry Me" sign.

jum beer under the stars and planes over our heads anyone?

Guess who's this?

guess who got arrested (10thousand years ago when hippies were still in fashion) for a traffic offense!

this is here just because i find this so rib-ticklingly adorable :)

he looks so happy to have his picture taken by cops!!

guess, and i'll answer you next week !

Walt Disney, not so innocent.

first they teach kids that nudity is fine- where is mickey's shirt? and donald's pants? WHY IS DAISY HALF NAKED!? am i the only one concerned about this?

then, they become sexist. WALT DISNEY IS EFFING SEXIST OKAY!

if you cant read, this is a letter from HR rejecting a women;s application to work as a cartoon artist because she is well, a women. AND this is written by a women.

Walt Disney brainwash us with stereotypical images and characters of female, and male.

so disney is telling me that a woman's only worth is her beauty, and her happiness relies on Prince Charming? So this maybe a little too extreme, there are a little bit more to the disney princesses that is being said here but still, it is very true that Disney Cartoon stereotypes female. All they Snow White, Cinderella, and Sleeping Beauty do is clean the house and serve people, as if its the best jobs in the world! try scrubbing the floors while happily singing a tune, that'llmake your day. And have you ever heard these princesses said anything intelligent except: "Oh, when will my prince charming come?" or "Oh! what a mess!". Even the tough and smart ones - Ariel (little mermaid), Wendy (from Peter Pan, Mulan) are still insanely thin and beautiful and at the end have a happily ever after because of a boy.

Boys are not let of the hook to, unfortunately. honestly, no one really cares about the boys, coz, they have hardly any character in the movie, we dont even know his name.

can u guess the answer? haha

Okay so this is more applicable to the more traditional Walt Disney Movies. The new ones like Shrek and Enchanted do use this gender stereotype that they themselves have created as a joke and satire. But still, how many more films out there still stereotype their men and women? ALOT. and i'll happily name you some and elaborate more on this matter when i have the time.

oh Disney, and u made such great cartoons.

my dad is missing an apendix.

i was a waitress, a masked model, an egyptian, and a mermaid today.

and now, i is tired.

fuck shit my laptop is taking forever to come. stupid dell.

i shall procrastinate and do my work tomorrow.

damn i miss that fruit shop in PD.

bye.

my bro just came back from Singapore.
its nice to have him back.

tapi,
i stress.

no seriously.
tension.

big grey and leathery

baby elephants are hairy,
big elephants poops hay,
they weren't all that scary,
but they ruined the babies day.

the elephants trunk goes on and on,
it's skin a leathery coat,
they seem to growl when they yawn,
they'll never be able to float.


bananas peanuts watermelon hay,
they're fed day after day,
big elephants' trunks vacuums and sucks,
the babies' just twist and sway.


elephants are cute all the more no less,
i sat on one of their backs,
one fine day the water i'll test,
i'll be back to clean their plaques!

inspired by the gentle elephants of the Kuala Gandah Elephant Sanctuary, Pahang.